Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
