I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
