Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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