I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
