dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
