I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.