He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
