I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
