i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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