Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
