Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
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How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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