Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
