She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
