I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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