she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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