No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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