the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
