Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
