The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
