we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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