I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
