and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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