i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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