Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
where does the pee come out of this thing
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
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I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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