drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
