The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
