Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
