yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
