I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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