Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
