i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
