meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just forgot I was standing up.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
