do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
