Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
