you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
