My liver just broke up with me...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
