if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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