You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
