I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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