Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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