...so i touched it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
