i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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