it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
