I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's shark week go big or go home
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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