we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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