Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
