Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
