You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
