i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
