It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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