I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
