i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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