Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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