2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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