I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
50% drunk capacity currently
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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