My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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