Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
