i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
