So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
